Occasionally JAW gets on his soapbox and rants on about some obscure annoyance; sometimes he raves on and on thinking everyone should be listening; sometimes it's just The Universe According to JAW (JAWs Laws). Here is a pile of stuff about nothing in particular...
Carports are Better than Garages (from the Car's Point of View)
July 2006
On the surface this appears a bit silly. After all, a carport is open to the weather and theft could be a problem. The garage on the otherhand is enclosed, often with a big remote controlled front door. A carport is a cheap lean-to, a garage is like an extra room in you house.
That's where the problem comes in. It *is* an extra room, so people will use it as a room. Poor old car gets to park on the front lawn instead. So the flash new commodore is frosting up windows while my beaten up rusty old hilux is "warm and dry" because it spent the night under the carport.
Okay, okay, it is a discipline thing. You keep the garage empty, the car fits in. However reality shows there are two overriding traits that are higher up the personality tree. One is that we will always gather stuff but only as much as we can possibly store. Another is that we don't want to store our stuff where people can see it.
Upshot: Garage is full of stuff other than the car, Carport is full of car and no stuff.
Well there is always room in the roofspace ;)
Chrome Moly futility
June 2006
Now my mate Steve, with his mate Jez, do offroad vehicle racing. It's kinda like rallying, except not at all like rallying. But for simplicity of discussion, lets just call it rallying, even though they would be a might annoyed me calling it that.
Steve and Jez have had quite a few offroad cars, the last three being a cool Datsun 1600 with a wild 13B rotary in it, a VB commodore powered by those excellent Tojo quadcam V8 in it, and the latest in the series, a spaceframed Rodeo with a supercharged V6 lurking under the bonnet. To simplify this discussion further (for those who like like the sound of these craAZy! cars) go to Rumble Motorsport a get more information than you can imagine.
Anyway, I've always had more than a passing interest in cars and going offroad on trailbikes; seeing as Steve is my bestest oldest mate, you'd expect that I'd be right there with them. You'd expect. However he lives so bloody far away from me, and the car(s) are in a factory even further than that, I manage maybe a once a year visit, and, well, I've never actually been to a proper race. Some bestest oldest mate am I, huh?
I've finally make 2006 trek down one night, I've put on my dirty clothes because I'm gonna do some work. I thought I had a fair idea of what was coming; I was wrong.
The offrodeo, as previously mention, is built around a spaceframe of chrome moly steel which is light and strong. There are bars of it everywhere, I'd call it overkill for offroading however the car used to be a stadium racer in america once and they tend to smash into each other a lot, so I guess they need it.
The chrome moly spaceframe steel work is *not* painted. Not powdercoated, not epoxied, not wrapped in plastic. It is bare chrome moly steel. One of the jobs, after a dirty muddy race, is to firstly hose off the muck, strip all the panels off and then rub the surface rust off the steel.
Think: lots of surface rust on _a lot_ of barwork. Hard to get to bar work. "Okay, wheres the angle grinder with the wire brush?" "Oh no, that would scratch it. Here, use these scourers." You're joking, right? Wrong.
5 of us, 3 hours, didn't even get half the job done. Futility - right up there with digging holes and filling them back in again or vacuuming the floor. Fortunately, and unfortunately at the same time, the dirt had been there for long enough that the rust was pretty bad and hard to remove. Fortunately because I'm pretty sure they plan to strip the frame and get it powdercoated after this racing season. Unfortunately because it meant that after 3 hours of hard rubbing all I personally managed to get done was the front nudgebar.
Well it wasn't so bad, there was beer, plenty of talk and laughing. However I'm not planning a trip back again until the frame is painted.
On Compaq Keyboards
July 2004
A long time ago I worked on a job where we used Compaq (now owned by HP) PCs. One of the fangled "change the world" things they did was offer a keyboard with a split space key, called the Erase-Eaze, and you could configure it for either backspace-space, space-backspace or space-space.
Now most of us are quite happy with the status quo, and constantly hitting backspace when we mean space is to be frank, a really stupid idea.
Skip to present day and I'm using a Dell PC. Dell have also decided to "change the world" and have put the "insert" and "delete" keys _underneath_ "end" and "pagedown". Again, most of us are quite happy with status quo and constantly hitting "end" instead of "delete" is a stupid idea.
So much so that I recently ripped into a pile of old spares and pulled out a "normal" keyboard to replace the dell.
Here's where Murphy kicks in...the keyboard I pulled which I didn't look at too hard, was the old Compaq Erase-Eaze keyboard. I'm not sure if I went from bad to badder or badder to bad, eitherway I was still rather annoyed with these companies who try to change the world .
Well the point to this rant is that while venting my annoyance to my circle of email mates, one pointed out "those keyboards were configurable - you would use a certain key combination and it would toggle the spacebar modes." Well he racked his brain and amazingly remembered those keystrokes: "Hold down (left-alt)(left-ctrl)(left-shift), then tap (right-space), then tap (left-space), then release the first 3 keys."
Thanks heaps SBW! ;)
On Neborn Babies
November 2003
Upon recently becoming a father, one of the things I discovered about newborn babies is that they are either (a) unhappy, or (b) normal. In order to get from (a) to (b) you need to distract them. It goes something like this:
Baby: <I've got tummy pain>..."Wah! Wah! Waaaah!"
You: <nodding head from side to side within the current focal/peripheral range
of baby> "a gitchy gitchy goo!"
Baby: <internal reset>...<timeout>...<I've got tummy
pain>..."Wah! Wah! Waaaah!"
You: repeat above.
baby: <internal reset>...<timeout>...<no fault
found>..."Ga!"
The trick is that the same thing may not be distracting evertime. Tip: save the best distractions for when you really, really need them.
On Mechanical Sympathy
February 2002
Mechanical Sympathy (mi-kan'i-kal sim-path-'i)
A relationship or an affinity between a person and an object pertaining to, governed by, or in accordance with mechanics or the laws of motion where one correspondingly affects the other, esp the lacking ability to leave a car in neutral and hold one's foot to the floor on the loud pedal.
"...and sometimes, just for fun, I'd drive all the way to work in my datsun without using the clutch when changing gears. Take you foot off the accelerator and put light pressure on the stick to change to the next gear - it will pop in and out when the revs line up without any crunching at all. To drop down a gear, pop the box into neutral , rev the engine up a bit while lightly pressing the stick against the gear you want and it will also drop in when the revs are right. It's not the fastest changing in the world, but it gives you something to do to relieve the boredom of being on 4 wheels."
On Traffic Lights
October 2001
Traffic lights. Those red, yellow and green things on the road. When you see them, you should be offended. They are an insult to your intelligence. Take them as a personal attack. Why?
Most traffic lights have replaced stop and giveway signs. Someone came along and said "these people can't drive, they don't know when they should go and when they should stop. We'll put in some traffic lights so they don't have to think about it anymore." See? an insult to your intelligence.
And then what happens? Yeah, the lights stop 50 cars to let the one car through. Because that one car couldn't work it out for itself y'see. That one car has been labelled as stupid and obviously needs its hand held to get safely through to the other side. That one car may be you; take it personally.
For a time, I was greatly relieved to see the introduction of 2 lane roundabouts in the northern suburbs rather than traffic lights. Not only do these things get traffic flowing, they are faster, visually more appealing and plain old good fun. What's more they aren't insulting. They say "okay people, we have some rules here, look and think abut what you are going to do and lets get this show moving." For a time it was good.
Then my favourite two lane roundabouts had traffic lights installed no more than 500 meters from them. More personal attacks, and they totally stuffed up the roundabouts! Roundabouts need to receive a steady flow of traffic, not the bursts of bumper to bumper a set of traffic lights give them. How is that supposed to work, town planners, hmm?
...and what do you think these new traffic lights were for? Yep, so that mum doing her shopping can easily get in and out of the shops. In fact, they were funded by the shops!
So when you next stop at a set of traffic lights be aware that someone thought you were too dumb to get through that intersection by yourself and put up some idiot lights so you wouldn't hurt yourself. Take that!
On Blokes and Power Tools
September 2001
Blokes are born with the ability to handle a power drill. Drilling holes in walls to hang pictures, drilling holes in wood, drilling metal. There will be occasional holes drilled in the wrong place, broken drills bits and possibly a new drill every few years; but essentially all blokes have a drill and know how to use it. Chicks don't automatically get this, but it can be aquired through training. This is not a sexist remark, it's just the way it is.
There are a myriad of power tools out there and the power-tool savy amongst us know that it is the humble angle grinder should be your next power-tool purchase. A versitile tool, simple like a drill but a tad more specialised. Quite often a bloke will be drill-locked; he will use the drill for everything including many things that a drill wasn't designed for. But one day he will be introduced to the angle grinder, given one for his birthday or some similar event.
The angle grinder breaks the drill rut; removes the power-tool stagnation. Suddenly the bloke not only wonders what he ever did before having an angle grinder, but his thirst for power tools is born. Next can be any tool; he will buy the right power-tool for the job. It might be a jigsaw, it might be an orbital sander. A circular saw, an electric plane. Before long even glamorous tools such as routers and arc welders will be on his Christmas shopping list.
But it is the angle grinder that is the stepping stone to power-tool freedom. If you know a drill-locked bloke do him a favour and buy him an angle grinder. Don't expect to be thanked for his liberation; the power-tool world is blokey and none of us want to remember that once all we had was a drill. Just be happy knowing that you have done the right thing by your fellow blokes.
On Having a Happy Happy day
August 2001
Everyday is a happy happy day. "Why is that JAW?"
Well you could right now be in hospital; unable to feel anything in your legs, in need of several organ donations and you brain is sitting in a jar connected back to your body. But you're not, you're sitting there reading this. That is why today is a happy happy day.
It is a self fulfilling prophecy, like a supercharger*. If you say it is a happy happy day then it WILL be a happy happy day.
"But if everyday is a happy happy day then doesn't that mean everyday is a _normal_ day JAW?"
Don't be fooled into believing that. You know what a non-happy happy day is, it is the day when your brain is in a jar. You don't have to experience that day; it is simply enough to know what it is.
Besides, if ever you start to feel that today isn't just a happy happy day just move to the next level - where everyday is a happy happy happy day :)
* A supercharger rams air into an engine, making it spin faster. This in turn makes the supercharger spin faster, which in turn makes the engine spin fast, etc. Don't think about it too hard, it is a little joke I've had running with an old mate of mine for years.
On Work Ethic
August 2001
How's your work ethic?
Take this easy test.
1. When the alarm wakes you in the morning do you:
(a) get up and get cracking,
(b) hit the snooze button and get out 10 mins later,
(c) turn the alarm off and sleep until you wake normally,force yourself back to
sleep again, wake up later because your neck is stiff, lie in bed a bit longer and
eventually get to work just in time for lunch.
2. When you arrive to work do you:
(a) turn on the PC and get into that doc where you left off,
(b) grab a cup of coffee, quick chat with your mates then hop to it,
(c) grab a cup of coffee, chat with your mates until you have finished your coffee
then go for another, turn the PC on and go through the 100 emails you received
overnight, reply to half of them and finally be ready to start work just in time
for lunch.
3. When an email arrives do you:
(a) you only check for emails periodically. Email interrupts your work,
(b) acknowledge that you have an email and read it when you next have a logical
break in your work,
(c) stop everything, check the email, ignore it if it is work related. If it is
from a mate reply to it with no less than 200 words. More often than not it will
remind you of another amusing anecdote so you take the oppurtunity to start a new
email thread with all your other mates.
4. At lunchtime do you:
(a) Eat the lunch you prepared in the morning while you deal with the work emails
you have received and get back to work as soon as you have finished eating,
(b) Have lunch with your mates, back to work more or less in the allotted
timeframe. If you've been a bit longer that's fine, you'll stay behind a bit to
make up,
(c) Have lunch with your mates but before heading out to buy a new spark plug for
your trailbike, buy some extra RAM for your PC, head down to the post office to pay
some bills, grab some shopping that the missus wanted you to pick up, finally
arriving back to work just in time for afternoon tea.
5. Each day I work:
(a) more than the nominated hours,
(b) the hours I am paid for, extra hours on tight schedules but only if I can take
the time in leui,
(c) as many as I can be bothered in order to maintain my standard of living.
If you answered to most of the above:
(a) your work ethic is excellent. You are obviously young and keen. Your spirit
has not been broken. Your employer would do well to clone you a couple of
times.
(b) your work ethic is sound. You do what you need to, you know how it works, you
are satisfied, your employer is satisfied.
(c) you have no work ethic. You are obviously a burnt out hollow shell of a man.
Your jaded worklife is probably in a downward spiral of cynicism and despair. I
recommend a two month holiday and a new job.
"Waddell eh? Hey are you related to..."
JAW, June 1999
Time and time again... I was asked just last Saturday by a shop owner looking at my credit card if I had a relative called Joe. It makes me laugh.
Here's the JAW synopsis on the situation:
(1.) There are actually a lot of Waddells in Perth. In fact we own a whole page
in the white pages.
(2.) As there are a lot of us, many people actually do know or have known
a Waddell in their life.
(3.) People think the name Waddell is an unusual name.
(4.) Because of (1), (2), and (3), people think that anyone they meet that has the name
Waddell must be related to another Waddell they have met.
(5.) Striking up a conversation about names is staple smalltalk; about as
confronting as commenting on the weather.
...and thus the question gets asked, _a lot_.
The reality is that my Dad was the only son of an only son, as am I an only son. As the last of this line of Waddells I have no relatives going by the name of Waddell - other than my kids, Olde Man and Wifey who decided she didn't mind it, even though she gets asked a lot too.
So no, I'm not anyones relative and you had to endure a lengthy rant just to get that answer ;)
But hey, have a happy happy day!
